Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Pregnancy Update (month 5)

I thought I'd start off with some e-mails I wrote to family and friends during my pregnancy. This one was written when I was around 5 months pregnant.

Hi everyone,
I'm pretty disgusted with my job right now. I was hoping to come back part-time after my maternity leave, and work 2 1/2 days a week so that the baby would only be in daycare 2 days. I spoke with my boss and she seemed to think it was do-able, but she needed to discuss it with her boss (she's still relatively new here). I didn't hear anything for three weeks so I figured it was a done deal. Well, last week, as I was walking out the door to go on vacation for a week my boss stopped me to tell me that the powers that be have decided that my position needs to be full time so part time was not an option, at least not permanently. I could probably come back part time for a month or two to ease back in but ultimately I'd need to work full time. She told me to think it over. Well, the more I think about it the more angry and hurt I feel.
Ugh! There was a big long, egotistical, self-pitying tirade here that, frankly, I am too embarassed to post so I deleted it. If you saw it you'd probably never read this blog again because you'd be like, what a whiny bitch! This just proves my point that it's funny to go back and read your thoughts on something after the moment has passed.>> I'll spare you any more of my tirade. The bottom line, then, is that I will be a full time stay at home mom, at least for a little while. I am worried that I am going to go out of my mind. I know I won't be bored, but I won't be "intellectually and creatively challenged". But the prospect of trying to find a new job with a baby is equally scary. I just feel really strongly that I don't want to miss out on watching the baby's first few years, and I don't like the idea of her being raised by strangers in day care. I also don't know how women do it- staying up with a baby all night and then working full time. It's got to be exhausting.

On the pregnancy front, last week I started to feel her kick. At first I wasn't positive but now there's no mistaking it. She kicks a LOT! I can't help but think that if she wasn't in the womb she'd be throwing a fit and screaming every time I feel her. I also started to show pretty noticeably in the period of a week. It's like she doubled in size or something. Maybe it's just because I don't have any full length mirrors in my house, but my friend took a picture of me and I was like, Good Lord, what happened?!! It's hideous! I'm as big around as I am tall (of course, it also looks like I've got twin babies in my rear end, which doesn't help).

So I took all of last week off to work on "Project Baby Room Mural". We're doing an underwater theme. I found really cute bedding and matched the colors to it. The walls are a light sea greenish blue color and then we painted a whale with a baby watching over the crib, an octopus with a treasure chest, a shark (but he's cute, with a fish kissing him), some sting rays, a sea turtle, seahorses and a bunch of fish. I also painted "Ocean Family", which is me as a beautiful and well endowed mermaid holding a baby mermaid, Pete in snorkeling gear, and, the piece de resistance, Seven with a scuba mask. I am very pleased with the way it came out. The rest of the room is a work in progress, as I know I will continue to obsess over it until the day the baby is born (and probably after that. I can see myself rocking her to sleep and fixating over a spot where I painted outside of the lines). We still want to add more fish and coral and shells and all that.

My friend Diane came for the week and helped me paint. She's the one who we did the jungle mural for. Her baby is 6 months old now and really cute. She has flaming red hair and really big eyes and smiles a lot. Seven was fascinated with her. She wouldn't leave her side. She's going to be such a good big sister. I'm glad she's such a good dog. There was a story in the paper yesterday about a 6 day old baby that was mauled by the family dog. How horrible. She is in critical condition. I'm sure she will be scarred for life if she survives. I can't imagine how the parents must feel.

We're completely at a loss for a name. It is so hard. We have a list of about twenty names that we both thought were OK, maybe ten of which are serious contenders. The hard part is that at least one person has hated every one of them. Some were too trendy or too white-trashy or too pretentious or not babyish enough or not adultish enough. It's so hard! The one person who doesn't have a say is the person who has to live with it for the rest of her life. Ultimately it will be up to Pete and I, but it would be nice if we could find something that people like, otherwise every time I see a person I'll think "I know you hate my baby's name". Right now the strongest contender is Corinne. I like it because it's not too common or too trendy or unimaginative or bizarre. Neither of us know or dislike anyone named Corinne, which is also a plus. We're not crazy about the way it kind of rhymes with our last name, so we haven't settled on it 100% yet. Plus my mother doesn't like it, which is a definite strike against it (she says it's too guttural and too grown up sounding). I'm kind of hoping I'll hear the perfect name and be like "that's it!". We had Seven's name picked out before she was born. It was so easy. (We actually really like the name Devon, but because it rhymes with Seven it would be too confusing for both children and would probably give one or both of them a complex).
Well, that's about it here. I'll write again when there's something new to report.
Love A, P, 7 and ???
Here's part of the mural. I look just like the mermaid, only 50 pounds heavier, pregnant, and with smaller boobs. Oh, and I don't have a tail.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Welcome to My Blog


I have been toying with the idea of starting a blog for about two years now, ever since I first read my friend S@L 's blog (http://siliconsuburbs.blogspot.com/). Before then, I'm embarrassed to admit, I didn't even know what a blog was. I am not particularly savvy in what the "kids" are into these days. I don't have an ipod, I don't even know what a blackberry is (in fact I have referred to them as "raspberries" on more than one occasion.) I don't text message and I don't have a My Space page. I'm just so not down with it.

I often find myself wishing I had kept better records of things that have happened to me. While my life is by no means exciting, I wish I could go back and read what my thoughts were during various stages of my life: going off to college, going off into the real world, working for two years at a big city animal shelter, falling in love and getting married, traveling cross country in the back of a pick-up, and just all those little moments in between that fade from memory over time. Mostly I wish I had kept a journal when I became pregnant, because I never in my whole life thought I'd want kids someday. I love to go back and pinpoint precisely when that changed. I wish I wrote down every milestone, every cute thing my daughter Corinne did, every time she made me laugh. And I even wish I documented our progression from being excited but naive new parents, to the realization that our daughter was "different", to receiving her autism diagnosis last spring. I would never want to live it again, but it sure would make for an interesting read.

Being somewhat obsessive/compulsive, I felt like there was just no point in trying to start this whole blog thing, this story of who I am and why, halfway into the drama (assuming I live at least another thirty-something years). It would be an incomplete tale, like coming in halfway through a movie, or the Lost series. I finally decided it was time to stop procrastinating. Who knows what new twists and turns, valleys and hills are coming up in the road. No time like the present. I wasted another month or so stalling as I tried to formulate the perfect intro to my blog and name for my blog and style and format and on and on. Like I said, I'm obsessive. I finally decided that no lengthy introduction was needed, that the most effective blogs I have read were those where the author simply began to write without fanfare, and from there their personality emerged and their story unfolded. I'll try not to get bogged down with trying to be a great writer, full of witty and insightful remarks and vivid details. I promise to settle for just writing what's on my mind and if I amuse or even inspire anyone along the way, well great.

My original choice for a blog name included our surname, which I decided I didn't really want all over the Internet. The "Inc." comes from our our habit of referring to ourselves as though we were a large company. As the coordinator and organizer of this operation, I am the self appointed CEO, and my husband, Pete, the breadwinner, is the CFO. Corinne is our "newest employee" who has been on a "Performance Improvement Plan" since she was about three months old. As for the "Loser" part, well, I think that will become more apparent over time. Trust me.