That Which Doesn't Kill Us

An e-mail to my best friend, written in Feb of 2007. There's so much I could write regarding those first few months of 2007. I feel that this email kind of sums it up.


Hi chickie,

I know, it's been too long since we chatted. It's been a really bad couple of weeks for us. It started with Corinne being sick and just absolutely miserable and whiny and not eating. Then, last Friday she had her 18 month check-up, which was awful. First off, she is still just 21 pounds and now in the 10th percentile for weight. It may just be because she barely ate for a week, but the doctor wants her back in a month for a re-weigh to make sure she is gaining. Then she had to get two vaccines which has literally traumatized her. She was so upset by it that it took us three days just to get the band-aids off, and now she gets hysterical when you take her top off or even if she sees her bare arms. On top of that, she had blood drawn which just made it worse. They wanted to test her for allergies to milk, soy and gluten, based on what I was telling the doctor. We also have an appointment with a pediatric gastrointerlolgist to rule out intestinal issues. The results on all the bloodwork were negative, so now we don't know.

The biggest news and dark spot in our lives right now is that her pediatrician also told me at the appointment that she thinks Corinne may be autistic and wants to have her evaluated by a pediatric neurosurgeon. Pete and I have talked about this possibility for a few months now, but something about hearing it from the doctor was just devastating. I came home and cried for about two hours. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster this past week, coming to terms with it all. Some days I think she is and some days I almost convince myself that she's not. Her case worker, Laura, for Early Intervention, seemed surprised by the pediatrician's suspiscion, and she works with a number of autistic kids. She pointed out a few of the ways that Corinne has been improving just in the past month. But she can't legally give a diagnosis, or even her opinion, really. I want to think that she has a better handle on Corinne's behavior, since she has spent an hour a week with her for the past 6 weeks, but I just don't know. My mom came last weekend and Corinne was just awful with her. She wouldn't go near her, not even to read a book. She'd take food from her, but kind of like a wild animal. She'd grab it and back away. If my mother made a move toward her she'd shake her head and make her "no" whine. The third day she finally sat in my mother's lap to read a bedtime story, something she use to do willingly with anyone, but she was still whary or her. It was heartbreaking. I felt bad for my mom and also so hopeless and frustrated. In many ways she is getting better, but in some ways she's getting worse. Pete and I went to dinner last night (left her with a babysitter who said Corinne would have nothing to do with her) and talked about it a lot and we both believe in our hearts that she is autistic. Maybe low on the spectrum, but we have felt since she was about 5 months old that she was different from other kids; that something just wasn't right with her. So now we're in limbo. Her appointment for assessment isn't until June 4th. I have her on the waiting list, but I guess that long of a wait is pretty typical. Pretty nerve wracking when you're talking about a disease that is best dealt with the earlier the better.

So that's basically been our entire world for the past week. I feel like I'm going through the stages of grief. Right now I'm in the anger stage. Why us? Autism is now seen in 1 in 150 kids. I don't even know 150 kids, so why did mine have to have it? Pete and I have had to really re-evaluate our plans for our family, and change our expectations for the future. For one thing, we are not going to have any more babies, something that we had been planning to try for in the spring. This gene pool needs to be shut down. I couldn't deal with two autistic kids, or even a healthy, normal one along with Corinne and her demands and needs, which may very well get worse.

Once again, sorry to be so depressing. Overall we're doing OK and coming to terms with it and hoping for the best. On the bright side, she has been great this week. Just happy and silly and overall in a great mood, so that gives us hope that even if she is autistic, she may still be able to lead a relatively normal life. And we may as well.

OK, almost time to put my angel to bed and unwind with Pete. We're trying to make relaxing a priority, especially for poor Pete who is also having a very stressful time at work, on top of everything else. That which doesn't kill us...

Talk to you soon,
A