I Know Something...

Pete and I have struggled with the question of whether or not to have a second child ever since Corinne was diagnosed with PDD. When she was first born, before we even left the hospital, we knew we wanted another one. The experience was so special, we couldn't wait to do it again. And we wanted her to have a sibling, a playmate, to not have to be alone in the world someday when we're gone. When she was diagnosed, though, we slammed on the brakes and said "no more, this gene pool is closed". We had been through a hellish 6 or so months, and still her future was so uncertain. We knew that she could regress at any time and lose skills she had already learned, that this might not even be as bad as it gets. We didn't know if she'd ever talk, if she'd ever be able to learn to cope, if she'd ever be able to be independent and live her own life. We knew we were going to have to devote all our energy into her therapies and interventions, into helping her be as normal as possible.

No one knows for sure what causes autism, but the consensus seems to be that it has a genetic component that may or may not be kicked in by unknown environmental factors. We knew that siblings of autistic kids have a 1 in 10 chance of also being on the spectrum, and we knew of enough families with more than one special needs child to prove the statistic. The thought of us, the Loser Couple, rolling that dice again seemed too risky. We both worked with rodent breeding programs, we understood punett squares and genetics. If a breeding pair produced offspring with undesirable characteristics, you stopped breeding that pair. We talked about it, we debated it with family and friends. We got angry that we were dealt this crappy hand, how unfair it was that we couldn't just go ahead and decide to have another child without all these considerations, and we stood firm on our decision. We were done, and it broke our hearts.

Then sometime last winter our firm resolve began to waiver. The topic got put back on the agenda at Loser Family, Inc. Board meetings. Pete was 100% for having another, he'd just been waiting for me to decide. I wasn't so sure. Could I even enjoy a second baby, or would I be so focused on analyzing its every behavior, noting every milestone met, or not met? Could I possibly go through it all again, the realizing that my child is different, that something isn't right; the evaluations and specialists and Early Intervention and IEP's. And even if the second child was typical, was it fair to that child to have a sibling who was so high maintenance, who took so much of our energy? We shelved the idea for awhile, but it was there, always, in the back of my mind. I struggled with it daily. Try again or just be happy that Corinne seems to be turning out OK? Roll the dice or fold? Would I do it all over again, conceiving Corinne, knowing what I now knew? If the baby ended up with problems, would we still love it? Did I kind of like the idea of being pregnant again, of nursing and bonding and all the joy that comes with a baby? Had I gotten rid of any of Corinne's baby stuff yet? I think the answers, and where this post is headed, are obvious.

We decided to leave it to The Fates. I went off the pill, but used "alternate protection" for a couple months, along with some other steps to ensure that we were producing the healthiest gametes possible.

And..., well, The Fates said let's do this thing, because it happened the very first opportunity. We conceived during our anniversary weekend and now Loser Family, Inc. is adding another employee, start date some time in late February (by scheduled C-section, this I am quite firm on. There will be no "fetal distress" and "heart decelerations" this time around, thank you very much.)

So if you'd been wondering why I haven't posted in awhile, that would be because I've had a lot on my mind (and because we needed to tell the grandparents first). At least I'll have no shortage of blog-worthy material now.

We're excited and terrified. And for you preying folks out there, if you could, say one for us. Because I know I'm going to question if we made the right decision until that baby looks me in the eyes and smiles.

PS- The title refers to the manner in which my college friends and I have always announced some seriously juicy gossip. You say "I know saaam-theeng" in this mexican-like accent and then force everyone to laboriously drag the secret out of you. We're so mature.

PPS- I decided to announce this on my blog to find out who my regular readers are!